Scenen Bak (back stage) is an interesting place.
Between doing absolutely nothing, and a little something, generally, back stage is filled with looking through the cracks of the set, trying to determine the audience reaction, and dancing, miming, to stay awake.
Everyone is so talented and hard working. Some people get stressed and bent out of shape, but I find that the people that keep their calm and their cool are generally the people that are 1) easier to work with, 2) easier to work for, 3) easier to learn from, 4) easier to talk to.
People that like telling others how wrong they are tend to hold less charm for me. The negativity does nothing but prolong a problem. And so, I have adopted it as my professional duty to be upbeat and positive, even if I don't really like what's going on. It is better than complaining and making others feel badly because you may not be, personally, happy with the situation.
Basically, removing your ego and your personal self from the work around you makes things run more smoothly, rather than becoming upset over little things.
I mean, a lot of people get heated up and personal about theatre, but I find the more time I spend in a small little black space, in one building among hundreds in a small town, in a Northern country in the world, my humility grows. And, that's not a bad thing. I mean, really, how important are the little foibles that go on at work?
Not important at all. What's really important is the world outside and my connection with it. If I can bring the positive connections I have with the world into the theatre, the better. But, creating unneccessary drama based on mistakes that can't be reconciled is silly, a waste of energy.
And as my Dad (and Pavel) says, "Don't hate. It's a waste of energy. Anger and hatred is just a waste of energy."
Of course, I am learning more about myself. And especially how I have the tendency to be very negative towards myself. I never really ever thought it affected anyone but myself. But working closely with several other people (I've never worked this absolutely closely with people ever. I mean, we eat two or three meals together a DAY... I mean, minus my family, I never have spent this much solid time around the same people every day; not to mention traveling together), I have discovered that my mood greatly affects others, and their mood affects me as well.
So, since I am aware of the fact now, I can find ways to make the monotony and boredom pass more easily and gracefully.
It's especially easy to become negative when others are complaining, and when you are tired of being in the same 5 sq Meter space for over 6 hours a day (sometimes as much as 12 or 14), and even by just being negative, it breeds negativity.
One person I work with (not Seth: he is as bubbly as a soap bottle), is rather negative and while he's not difficult to work with, he's not fun to work with. Mostly because he is impatient and does things as quick fixes constantly, rather than sometimes taking care of the root of the problem. This goes against everything my dad ever taught me about, "Take your time and do it right the first time, so you don't have to do it again." That is not to say that I don't expect some things to fall apart, but I can't do anything about that, so I just have to deal with the crap as it comes at me. One thing at a time, as they say.
Anyway, I know he has more responsibility than me, and the company relies on him to have things together and coordinate the technical aspects of things...
But still, that's no reason to be so negative towards people that are 1) innocent 2) unknowing.
It's like in Emma by Jane Austen,
"She is simply ridiculous," says Emma
"Then that should secure your compassion for her!" Retorts Mr. Knightly.
And I feel that is the right course. Of course, this person, I'm sure, is in need of compassion himself. But, my point is, professionally speaking, there's got to be a better way of doing it.
I find that constructing boundaries for oneself is helpful. I know people are always going on about "being free", but sometimes, you have to have rules to help you see the things that you might miss otherwise. Besides, being "free" means you get to make the choices about who you want to be. I find that people that don't discipline themselves in any way whatsoever are lacking a kind of self-respect.
But, c'est la vie.
"You live and learn. Well, at least you live." -- Douglas Adams
Perhaps all these reflections are simply a waste of time. But, I've already had them, so there you go. My mind often wanders, and I find it difficult to not think about something. The more you try not to think about it, the more you think about it. So, often, it's helpful to just think it and get it over with. Dwelling on it is just silly. But it's best to let it flow in and out and let it go into the Universe with all the other really not-so-important crap in the world.
The only thing that matters is love, man.
Anyway,
Fast forward to Monday...
We gave two school performances, packed up the show, and flew to Bodo, where I am now in the lovely Skagen Hotel. They have a library, lounge, breakfast, lunch, and dinner (gratis for me, since NOSO is paying for me) :D
Monday and Tuesday were two of some of the longest working days I have ever had. Monday we spent nearly 13 hours at the theatre working.
Tuesday, yesterday, while not quite so long, was slightly stressful.
The Mouse Choir here in Bodo is AMAZING. The girls are terrific! They are sweet, respectful, quiet when they should be (backstage), intelligent, bubbly, and positive. Their presence has given everyone a nice positive boost for the performance. Which is what started me thinking about how attitude affects others one works with.
Anyway, regardless of how unhappy the tech director was about how things went on yesterday, everything has pretty much went off without a hitch. Nothing broke taht couldn't be fixed, and I think most of the irritation was caused by being tired, rather than any real problem. It's interesting how the symptom of something is often the only thing that is recognized, rather than the actual problem.
Someone says, "You're bleeding! Oh, my! I don't like the sight of blood!"
When really, blood is just a red liquid. What they probably really don't like is where the blood comes from-- an open wound or illness.
Hemophobia, though, is probably a poor example of what I am attempting to illustrate, but it's the best thing I can think of right now.
Anyway, recognizing the reason, rather than focusing on the symptom is a good way to get around a lot of stress.
Because, really, when one should probably be the most stressed is when adrenaline kicks in and the humanoid goes into total alert. But, you aren't actually thinking about the stress of survival, you're just trying to survive.
It's the "mode".
I've also been thinking about modus operandi. I've learned a lot about myself in Norway so far. I've calmed down a bit now that everything has been put together, and now it's just a matter of tear and repair, patching, fixing, and adjusting. I was pretty hell-bent on getting everything done on time. Not stressed, exactly, but just... in the mode, I guess.
My modus operandi, if I were to put it into words right now, at this time during my life would have to be described as "trying a little of everything."
Every meal I try to have something new, a new combination of things, new roads to take, no sights, new hobbies, interests, literature, things to learn.
I feel like this has always been my modus operandi.
And I realize that the time I have spent in the past trying to create a constructed routine or create a "life" for myself has just been a fool's attempt. Routine is what stagnates my mind and my will of life. I'm really not good with it. Maybe it's the way I grew up, maybe it's being homeschooled, or whatever, but it doesn't matter. I do what I do, and there will be a place for me in the world regardless of my modus operandi.
You don't discover life, life discovers you. Maybe that's an egocentric way to think of it, but when you place yourself in the center of all, you realize that you can control nothing but the self. Being in the center doesn't always mean you believe you're the most important. It just means you realize that the focus of life comes from the self, not from outward forces. It's just letting things happen and taking them as they are.
That got very philosophical, all of a sudden.
I guess, it's because I've been reading "The Idiot" by Dostoevsky. And basically, Dostoevsky explains madness, more or less, as the inability to accept life for what it is. There are characters that don't accept love, or forgiveness, or friendship, or money, or reason. The character that accepts everything, the "Idiot", is the blank slate by which all others are judged. It's a fascinating book. But Prince Mushkin places himself in the center of all his thoughts and reflections. He realizes he sees the world the way he sees it. And he knows nothing else but to honestly express this. It's simplicity is a relief and I find the reading extremely pleasurable.
IN any case,
"I'm afraid I've been thinking... a dangerous past time..." -- Beauty and the Beast
"We don't like what we don't understand, in fact it scares us..." -- Beauty and the Beast.
And so, I end this post. It is late, I am tired... and I'm rambling about "The Idiot" and a Disney cartoon...
A strange, and probably not completely good sign.
G'night
Hannah
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